As I sit here thinking about how fucking screwed up my life is because the people at my work are so incompetent that they cannot figure out how to make a schedule and then further lamenting that I will probably be working 46-52 hours this week because they just lost another full time person and have yet to hire anyone new....awesome, right? Well, you shouldn't fucking think so because that means less videos for you...
Every summer I play some new games and a lot of old games, the old games keep me rooted in where I was. They remind me who I was and let me know how much I've changed. One thing that hasn't changed is my hatred of the design of the fucking metal gear series, or if you could call it that. There are 4 games that bear the title of "Metal Gear Solid". However, I would like to point out that there is a difference between creating 4 games that contain a story and 4 games that just contain the title and the promise of the story and giving you something completely different. It's like opening up a cherry pie making shop but only serving doughnuts, both are delicious but you went in to get a cherry pie and if you want a cherry pie you're pretty much fucked...
See that's the thing with the metal gear solid series, in terms of games they are good, but the problem is with the sequels. Metal Gear Solid was a revolutionary game, it was something that was different, it was a game where you had to use stealth to survive, there were a lot of enemies and only one of you so you had to be careful and not get spotted otherwise you'd get your BALLS ROCKED! See the thing is that Metal Gear Solid made you feel like the game was well thought out and planned, it only gave you limited ammo and you needed to rely on your wicked cunning to find solutions to problems quickly to survive. It wasn't about brute strength it was about intelligence. This is consistent throughout the series. But, after it gained its cult like following and they released a sequel I began to lose faith.
See, Metal Gear Solid 1 told a story. It was about Snake and Liquid and how nuclear weapons were threatening the peace of the world. Snake was an agent sent to stop Liquid who had gained a walking tank called metal gear that he was planning to use to launch nuclear weapons. A lot of shit happens and eventually the tank gets activated and you have to destroy it...awesome! It was awesome, there are a lot of really memorable characters here including all of FOX-HOUND, which is the group name of the 5 terrorists that you fight eventually (well, all but one but it was pretty apparent that you weren't gonna fight him, after all his only ability was to disguise himself as people...I mean that would have been a fucking awful boss fight...). But I digress, I'm not here to talk about the fucking storyline of Metal Gear Solid 1, I'm here to talk about how the series is bullshit!
See, the problem is that in Metal Gear Solid 2 you play as Snake for like 20 minutes and that's if you're a fucking retard like Carl!(Note Show reference) Problem is that MGS 2 is exactly like MGS 1 and they even say it in the plot, as if they were trying to be clever about it...bullshit, just because you realize that you were copying off the original and selling us a completely bullshit game doesn't mean that makes it any better. If you knew it, why didn't you fix that shit? While MGS 2 copies the MSG almost exactly it isn't a bad game and it does advance the plot...albeit very little...It gets way too complex and farfetched near the end to ever be real, even by conspiracy standards, and I promise you that most people didn't understand the whole story during the first playthrough...
The second game is NOT a sequel, you don't play as Snake dudes and dudettes. Fact is that you spend most of your time playing as this whiny moron who calls HQ every odd screen and bitches about how tough the mission is...Bro, we've played this game before in MGS 1, Snake didn't bitch like you, we wouldn't bitch like you, shut up and get on with it...
More than that, in order to save your game progress you have to call the guys girlfriend on the codec, because she controls the save feature and then you have to listen to her bitch at him for not remembering the exact hour of the exact day that they both saw the sunrise for the first time together or whatever. Dude's in the middle of a life or death mission, killing people, freaks of nature hunting him, bombs going off and nuclear war, all on his mind and this bitch is all over him...but even as a player, you're sitting there listening to her go on and on and on about NOTHING, ABOUT FUCKING NOTHING and you can't help but say: "...I just wanted to save my fucking game man...jeez".
The game quite simply is a remake of the first, and its a good remake but its not a sequel and it shouldn't be considered as one. If you do consider it as a sequel I would like to openly invite you to come to my house where I will shave your head and cut open your skull to make sure that you don't have a brain, where if upon discovering that you do I will confiscate it and likely give it to someone who will ACTUALLY USE IT.
The third game comes and people who didn't do their research buy it and think its actually what the title says it is MGS 3...yeah! Pardon us for fucking thinking that this would be the third part of the story right? I must have been stupid when I read the big FUCKING 3 on it. I guess now 3 means that you go back 40 years and tell a story there that has little to no relevance to the previous stories we've heard.
On the positives MGS 3 says good bye to the bitching whiny boy and his fucking babbling cocksucking girlfriend and we play as Snake again or rather "Big Boss" but its fucking David Hayter and it sounds and acts like Snake, its Snake again..why? because I say so mother fucker! Its in the jungle which is new and adds a whole new element to the stealth part of it which was interesting.
On the negatives despite is being called MGS 3 it's NOT MGS 3 its more like MGS .5 and even more than that its not at all relevant to the stories told in 1 and 2. This is just Konami wanting to milk the Metal Gear horse for all its worth at this point and they know they have a limited life span because once the final Snake/Liquid/Ocelot thing comes to a head, that's it, its over, done, finito! See the issue I have here is that this game cheated me out of 50 bucks because it had MGS 3 on it. It's not MGS 3, hell, it's not even MGS, Snake isn't REALLY Snake if you want to fucking nitpick and you're trying to blow up something called the Shagohod and NOT Metal Gear, though it is mentioned.
See, the thing is, because of this, I decided that I would never play MSG 4, even though it finally continues the fucking story, this should have been MGS 2! MGS 2 was a story that didn't need to be told, much like the fucking star wars prequels. What they should have REALLY done was combine MGS 2 and MGS 4 into one game and called it MGS 2. Oh, and leave Raiden out...he's a fuck off anyway. See, the reason why I refuse to play the next game is because they have already made me pay 50+ dollars for each of the metal gear games that promised to be sequels but never were. I can't stand for that bullshit, and it sets a dangerous precedent if we let them fuck us like this. They're already overcharging us for games, why let them overcharge you for a game that you fucking don't want in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, these games are good, in fact in some cases they're great, but they're not sequels, they're time killers that are only loosely related to the actual storyline. Its a lot like going on a blind date, you could still have a pleasant experience but it might not be the one you were expecting or that you necessarily wanted...and there is a higher chance of getting an STD...its in the research...
-Neal
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Portal 2
Ok, so, I had such big fucking plans and then I got held back by work and classes and other boring and unimportant shit, but now I'm back to the stuff that really matters, that's right, video games!
Now, I would like to point out that I said I was going to review a number of games after my reviews of BioShock and BioShock 2 *shudder*. But recently a game *cough* Portal 2, came out and I think I would be remiss if I didn't talk about that, seeing as how I finished it yesterday.
Ok, now, Portal, in case you're not familiar with it, then I would recommend that you find a crowbar to pry up that fucking rock you live under to get out and try it. But until you have played it, STOP READING BECAUSE I WILL LIKELY RUIN THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME FOR YOU...WHY ARE YOU STILL READING? WHY? YA KNOW WHAT, FINE! FUCK YOU TOO! NOW YOU DESERVE TO HAVE THE GAME RUINED FOR YOU! ASSHOLE!
Ok, so Portal was this puzzle platformer game that made you use your mind to accurately place portals and use physics to get to certain places or to achieve certain tasks like using a box to press a button that's on a platform that you can't get to. The game was an instant hit and will probably be known as a cult classic for many years to come. It originally came from a set of games featured in a package called "the orange box", this was a groundbreaking thing as the orange box was the first time you could get 5 games for less than the cost of one feature length game. The big attraction seemed to be Half Life 2 and its two following episodes but Portal was the instant breakout and was a favorite by fans and non-fans of the Half Life series alike.
In Portal they managed to combine dark humor with puzzles, which didn't make me complain one bit and that might come as somewhat of a shock, considering the fact that I'm such an amazingly cheery bastard. The game gave you a feeling of isolation as it is very clear that no one is watching you perform these tests other than the computer AI which has a cryptic foreboding in its inflections. In the end you end the AI's life and blow up the facility saving yourself from being killed by the same AI.
Portal 2 begins after an unknown amount of time has passed and you have been put right back into isolation again following the events of the first game. You'll be happy to know that the game hasn't lost any of its wit, and in fact has become even more witty, however the wit is no longer truly centered around GlaDOS, the AI computer that you destroyed but is more so centered around your new computer partner named Wheatley, who is voice by Stephen Merchant. Wheatley is the plucky side kick who is also the brunt of the majority of jokes. I won't ruin the plot twists for you but suffice to say that you and Wheatley are trying to escape the Aperture science labs that have held you captive for both this game and the last.
During the story you'll encounter old test chambers, new ones and even some new substances like the "repel gel" which allows you to jump higher pending on your height. These add complexity to the puzzles and the number of challenges you face. Right off I will answer two questions you have, yes, I am single and no I am not interested in dating you, oh...you weren't interested in those questions, well, you must mean the other two, less popular questions.Yes, the game is substantially longer this time around, Portal originally was about 3 hours long on your first run, Portal 2 clocks in about 10-12 hours on your first run through and yes, it's also more challenging. But don't be discouraged, Portal and Portal 2 manage to be just challenging enough to be interesting and fun without being overly frustrating...that is, unless you have a particularly short fuse...GODDAMNIT!...sorry...
Portal 2 also allows you to see Aperture's history and how it was created, about midgame you stumble upon the initial labs that, by the looks of them, were created circa the 1960s. During scouting these areas you encounter the voice of Cave Johnson(voiced by J.K. Simmons, a comedy hero of mine), the hilariously honest and eccentric creator of the Aperture science labs who is prerecorded and playing over the loud speaker.
Near the end of the game there is a nice twist and the ending is satisfying...and hilarious. Portal 2's ending closes in a nice way by return and if you play it you'll see what I mean. But the ending almost assures you that this series is done, Portal 3 will not be made and to be honest, I'm glad, but more on that in a minute.
Portal 2 looks similar but different from Portal, there is more detail and the graphics are better but it will be a little jarring for old players, who think they are going to venture into the same Aperture. Its also worth noting that the gameplay doesn't take place entirely in the science labs this time, there is some outer world exploring but I assure you that its just as fun! With the look changed, the feel of the labs changes too, this doesn't feel like the old labs where you were alone, not because they have changed the setting as such, but you spend a lot more time in the backdrops seeing how things are made, plus the mood for most of the game is to see if you can get from point A to point B, whereas in the first game you could only complete the tasks given to you and hope you were headed somewhere. This time around you know the score and that the only way to survive is to escape the labs and the testing, and this changes the feel of the game. This isn't to say that its bad, just different, and it's good that it feels different, that's what a good sequel does, if you felt like you were playing the same game then it would feel like a waste of your fucking time and money eh?
Just like Portal, you'll want to replay this game again and again, I want to go play it right now, but I'm stuck writing this for you all...and who says I don't love you???
Finally, I love ice cream! While this might seem like an irrelevant point, allow me to tie it in. Ice cream is great and I love to eat it and put it on things and its amazing, but I eat it rarely. See the thing is, its special because I have it rarely so I have to enjoy it when I have it, like Portal. See the thing is, if Valve makes too many of these Portal games it will probably end, at least for me, the same way having too much ice cream would, usually leaning over the toilet wondering why such a good thing was overdone and of course vomiting followed by a genuine distaste for the product after, which would be tragic because these games are so good! In fact, I'm going to call it right now, Portal 2 is not only better than Portal, but it is probably the best game this year, it will probably WIN game of the year assuming Mass Effect 3 doesn't come out. Hell, even if it does, it will need to be a hell of a game to beat Portal 2! If you haven't yet, buy this game, its worth it, you'll love it, just like ice cream!
-Neal
Now, I would like to point out that I said I was going to review a number of games after my reviews of BioShock and BioShock 2 *shudder*. But recently a game *cough* Portal 2, came out and I think I would be remiss if I didn't talk about that, seeing as how I finished it yesterday.
Ok, now, Portal, in case you're not familiar with it, then I would recommend that you find a crowbar to pry up that fucking rock you live under to get out and try it. But until you have played it, STOP READING BECAUSE I WILL LIKELY RUIN THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME FOR YOU...WHY ARE YOU STILL READING? WHY? YA KNOW WHAT, FINE! FUCK YOU TOO! NOW YOU DESERVE TO HAVE THE GAME RUINED FOR YOU! ASSHOLE!
Ok, so Portal was this puzzle platformer game that made you use your mind to accurately place portals and use physics to get to certain places or to achieve certain tasks like using a box to press a button that's on a platform that you can't get to. The game was an instant hit and will probably be known as a cult classic for many years to come. It originally came from a set of games featured in a package called "the orange box", this was a groundbreaking thing as the orange box was the first time you could get 5 games for less than the cost of one feature length game. The big attraction seemed to be Half Life 2 and its two following episodes but Portal was the instant breakout and was a favorite by fans and non-fans of the Half Life series alike.
In Portal they managed to combine dark humor with puzzles, which didn't make me complain one bit and that might come as somewhat of a shock, considering the fact that I'm such an amazingly cheery bastard. The game gave you a feeling of isolation as it is very clear that no one is watching you perform these tests other than the computer AI which has a cryptic foreboding in its inflections. In the end you end the AI's life and blow up the facility saving yourself from being killed by the same AI.
Portal 2 begins after an unknown amount of time has passed and you have been put right back into isolation again following the events of the first game. You'll be happy to know that the game hasn't lost any of its wit, and in fact has become even more witty, however the wit is no longer truly centered around GlaDOS, the AI computer that you destroyed but is more so centered around your new computer partner named Wheatley, who is voice by Stephen Merchant. Wheatley is the plucky side kick who is also the brunt of the majority of jokes. I won't ruin the plot twists for you but suffice to say that you and Wheatley are trying to escape the Aperture science labs that have held you captive for both this game and the last.
During the story you'll encounter old test chambers, new ones and even some new substances like the "repel gel" which allows you to jump higher pending on your height. These add complexity to the puzzles and the number of challenges you face. Right off I will answer two questions you have, yes, I am single and no I am not interested in dating you, oh...you weren't interested in those questions, well, you must mean the other two, less popular questions.Yes, the game is substantially longer this time around, Portal originally was about 3 hours long on your first run, Portal 2 clocks in about 10-12 hours on your first run through and yes, it's also more challenging. But don't be discouraged, Portal and Portal 2 manage to be just challenging enough to be interesting and fun without being overly frustrating...that is, unless you have a particularly short fuse...GODDAMNIT!...sorry...
Portal 2 also allows you to see Aperture's history and how it was created, about midgame you stumble upon the initial labs that, by the looks of them, were created circa the 1960s. During scouting these areas you encounter the voice of Cave Johnson(voiced by J.K. Simmons, a comedy hero of mine), the hilariously honest and eccentric creator of the Aperture science labs who is prerecorded and playing over the loud speaker.
Near the end of the game there is a nice twist and the ending is satisfying...and hilarious. Portal 2's ending closes in a nice way by return and if you play it you'll see what I mean. But the ending almost assures you that this series is done, Portal 3 will not be made and to be honest, I'm glad, but more on that in a minute.
Portal 2 looks similar but different from Portal, there is more detail and the graphics are better but it will be a little jarring for old players, who think they are going to venture into the same Aperture. Its also worth noting that the gameplay doesn't take place entirely in the science labs this time, there is some outer world exploring but I assure you that its just as fun! With the look changed, the feel of the labs changes too, this doesn't feel like the old labs where you were alone, not because they have changed the setting as such, but you spend a lot more time in the backdrops seeing how things are made, plus the mood for most of the game is to see if you can get from point A to point B, whereas in the first game you could only complete the tasks given to you and hope you were headed somewhere. This time around you know the score and that the only way to survive is to escape the labs and the testing, and this changes the feel of the game. This isn't to say that its bad, just different, and it's good that it feels different, that's what a good sequel does, if you felt like you were playing the same game then it would feel like a waste of your fucking time and money eh?
Just like Portal, you'll want to replay this game again and again, I want to go play it right now, but I'm stuck writing this for you all...and who says I don't love you???
Finally, I love ice cream! While this might seem like an irrelevant point, allow me to tie it in. Ice cream is great and I love to eat it and put it on things and its amazing, but I eat it rarely. See the thing is, its special because I have it rarely so I have to enjoy it when I have it, like Portal. See the thing is, if Valve makes too many of these Portal games it will probably end, at least for me, the same way having too much ice cream would, usually leaning over the toilet wondering why such a good thing was overdone and of course vomiting followed by a genuine distaste for the product after, which would be tragic because these games are so good! In fact, I'm going to call it right now, Portal 2 is not only better than Portal, but it is probably the best game this year, it will probably WIN game of the year assuming Mass Effect 3 doesn't come out. Hell, even if it does, it will need to be a hell of a game to beat Portal 2! If you haven't yet, buy this game, its worth it, you'll love it, just like ice cream!
-Neal
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I talks about da gamez!
Over the semester I played Bioshock, Bioshock 2, Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and Starcraft 2...why yes, there are a lot of twos in there...
Ok, so I have decided to give you a...well...kind of review of all of these games, the problem is that I'm not that spectacular at this shit and I don't really care about it so you're probably gonna hate it, and more over, if you don't like the games I like, you probably won't agree. Allow me to present *points to face* man not caring.
Well, I'm not going to cover them all right now, but I will do Bioshock and Bioshock 2, why both you ask? Because Bioshock 2 was honestly so god awful that I didn't play all the way through. It just wasn't worth my time to venture into Rapture one more time in an effort to grind through the city once more to perform more mundane fucking tasks that reward you with a storyline that is weak at best. Honestly, after 15 minutes, I was literally so bored that I felt like shutting the game off would save lives considering that I probably would have gone on a killing rampage from the sheer shit that was the game I was playing. Now assuming you are a massive fan of Bioshock 2, its probably a good idea that you reassess your values in a game, this game lacks story...completely...(End of Bioshock 2)
Moving on, before I start ripping on Bioshock, I'd like to point out that Bioshock,itself, is a DECENT game but its no where NEAR as good as the hype would have you believe. And for all of you people that are about to say that it had one of the most entertaining multiplayer components of all time...shut the fuck up! That doesn't matter, what matters is the game and the story...and none of that story makes any sense...
A lot of people will say that Bioshock was a great game because of the retro feel and the atmosphere along with the fact that it can scare you. Well my lovelies, I'm here to tell you that Bioshock, does all of those things well but doesn't provide a lasting satisfied feeling.
Before we get into the nitty gritty of negatives and positives, let me explain what Bioshock is all about. You are a passenger on a plane and the plane crashes, you make your way to the only visible structure and then make it inside. The door locks! Oh no! You find an elevator which takes you deep undersea and to a city called Rapture. On the way into the city viewed from the elevator Rapture looks fantastic, a 60's style city with neon and pastel lighting, this is where my expectations were raised a lot for this game. This opening shot was actually so beautiful that I needed to change my underwear after...
Unfortunately, that tone doesn't last, the moment you arrive you notice someone being ripped apart by a 'splicer', the most commonplace enemies in the game. After the victims blood splatters on the elevators door, you here the splicer trying to claw its way in. At this point, the first person survival shooter mode kicks in, and that, itself is OK with me. But, shortly after you are contacted by a man who becomes known to you as Atlas. He tells you to take a deep breath and step into Rapture. Sorry mate, but that doesn't seem like a fucking good idea, the city is a shambles and there are people killing each other left and right here...I don't think inhaling is gonna save me from being stabbed...Anyway, we step out of the elevator because we're stupid and we might as well because we're too early on in the game to know just how fucking awful this is going to get. While here we lose consciousness, probably from boredom, and hear splicers talking, we awaken and are told by Atlas, that these are the residents of Rapture whom after splicing and shit have gone all nuts and murder like...OK...
After this peachy story we learn about how to splice up and get our own plasmids. The same things that made these fuckers go insane...sounds like a wonderful idea, right? It's assumed that we won't abuse the technology like they did but...seriously? Anyway, plasmids are these things that give us the ability to shoot fire, ice, and electricity at enemies, sounds cool right? And it is...until it isn't...Now, call me hard to please but the combat in this game is beyond repetitive, but we'll come back to that. After this we find out that Atlas has a wife and kid and they are being held hostage inside a submarine and you're the only one who can save them. Ok, I'm cool with that! So far, this isn't actually that bad, right? Anyway, you make it to the submarine by making it through areas, side stepping the traps set by Andrew Ryan (the leader of Rapture and the man holding Atlas' family hostage). Despite your best effort the submarine is destroyed and Atlas' family is killed. At this juncture, everyone can see where the story is gonna go, Atlas in anger swears to kill Ryan, and by swearing to kill him, he means that he'll use us to do it. So, you make your way through more nondescript locations blasting either with plasmids or a shotgun, whichever. Eventually, in this city FILLED with psychos, you find Ryan...playing golf...in what seems like the only safe place left in the city. But after the confrontation, I looked around and I wondered how he ate, or slept, there was no kitchen, no bed...where's the shitter? Like, I'm assuming he spent a lot of time here or he'd be fucking dead, so how did he survive? Anyway, Ryan reveals that you were actually born in Rapture and were genetically altered to age quickly and are, in fact, Ryan's illegitimate son(still with me?) and that you were programed to respond as a slave to the phrase "would you kindly", at this point, a montage of Atlas asking you to do things with the phrase "would you kindly" ensues, revealing that you were in fact a slave this whole time. Now you kill Ryan, because...you were commanded to...then Atlas reveals himself to be Frank Fontaine...whoever the fuck that is...at this point the whole "slave" and "Fontaine" thing is meant to be a shock but I was left blankly staring at the fucking screen, maybe I just missed the point, or maybe I noticed a massive plot hole. Whichever...
Anyway, Fontaine says he's gonna kill us and we are saved by the Little Sisters (earlier on in the game you must extract a substance called Adam from these little girls to buy more plasmids, you can save them and get less Adam or kill them and get more, your choice) Anyway, Tannenbaum saves you and lets you know that she stopped the phrase Fontaine was using from controlling you. Unfortunately, Fontaine uses more phrases that lower your health, you need to find a cure and all that good stuff...and...so you do. After finding a cure you have to get to Fontaine and kill him because he is planning to inject himself full of Adam and become a superbeing to rule Rapture for some reason that is never explained. At this point in the game it has shifted gears from telling a story to trying to fit all the fucking scares it missed out on into the last bit of the game and totally destroying the continuity of the story all in one shot. It's almost like two different people wrote the script and they just decided to put them together without editing, just sat down and said "let's go with it". Anyway, you disguise yourself as a Big Daddy (massive little sister protectors), and you must protect a Little Sister so she can open doors for you because she can access them and you cannot (there are spaces for them to get in, tiny ones). After coming to the end you come to a confrontation with Fontaine, you kill him with the help of the Little Sisters, and you get one of two endings depending on your decision to kill the Little Sisters or leave them alive.
That's the whole fucking story....
Ok, the positives...The atmosphere isn't absent, the game does a good job at being creepy.
The game uses great in game music and voice acting which saves it from me just wanting destroy it (it was close though).
The game's story isn't uninteresting but its not the best it could be either.
The game has a TON of potential.
The graphics aren't bad.
Game takes its time and lets the story tell itself.
Unfortunately, this is about all the good things I have to say.
1.The game's story/plot doesn't make sense, the whole idea that you were this slave totally ruins the plot and any sense it made. The whole Atlas trying to save his family thing goes right out the window. If you're a slave, then you'd obey the phrase "would you kindly" regardless, so why bother staging the whole fucking wife and kids thing? Putting you and Fontaine at risk, after all, if you died Altas/Fontaine's plan is pretty well fucked right? So, for putting you and him in mortal danger, even though he has control of you...it makes no sense, it's needless. And why the need for the disguise? If we're going to mindlessly obey, why would he have to disguise himself? Why not just come right out and demand that we kill Andrew Ryan? Would have saved a lot of time. See what I mean? This sounds like an eight year old wrote it...Finally we have the whole thing where Altas reveals that he's Frank Fontaine...and before this point no one knows who the fuck that is! So...a tense scene is...not...tense...at all...
2. Ammo and plasmid purchasing doesn't make any fucking sense! Seriously, you buy your guns and ammo, AND your genetic upgrades from fucking vending machines! Rapture was depicted to be this ideal city, and while I get the need for security and weapons...do you really need vending machines of them? If people were really free then why would you need to sell them on the fucking sidewalk? Also, the plasmid classes don't make no sense! Incinerate, the ability to burn people, Frost, ability to freeze people, Shock, ability to shock people to death! Do these sound like things you should be selling on the sidewalk? Do these sound like genetic upgrades you should have to live in society? Some seem to make sense and would be useful in the real world, like telekinetics, I can see a use for that but...seriously? Incinerate? Here's an idea, why not have a science lab on every sector, Rapture seems to be involved in that kind of stuff, and you just break in and steal it? And for the weapons, how about a police station of every level? You could rearm there! And it would make fucking sense!
3. No one has any goal! Fontaine wants to rule Rapture for some unknown reason and meanwhile Andrew Ryan won't leave for...some unknown reason...So, you, Ryan and Fontaine are all in this game and no one has any idea what the fuck they are supposed to be doing...The city is a goddamn shambles, this is a mess that no french maid would ever go near! Who would want this fucking place? Seriously? You are just the moron who was born in Rapture and sent away in a submarine and now you're back...and...stuff...(still awake?). I mean you could make the argument that Ryan wants to protect the city because it was his and that he's just too fucking crazy to know the difference between a working city and a broken one. And you could even make the case that Fontaine wants to use the technology in Rapture to become an industry tycoon, but seriously? Does this place contain any real industrial power? Not anymore!
4. The levels all the look the fucking same, regardless of where you are everything looks like some basement out of a Dracula flick, at this point you might think it forgivable, but it really isn't, if I wanted to play through the same shit 30 times, I'd just start up Tetris for fucksakes. This is especially disappointing considering the opening graphics (see left).
5. Combat, Weapons and no SEEEENSE
The problem with Bioshock is that it it's combat is repetitive, you either burn them, shock them, or freeze them, or you use a shotgun...woo! You can also get Grenade Launchers too... but nothing has a particular weakness to anything else, and all the enemies seem the same, you just blast everything with whatever you have, you can use shock in the water to kill multiple enemies, fire in the ice areas to melt it etc. But this isn't clever just, intuitive...Finally, in the bit where you are guarding the Little Sister, why are you doing this? Don't you think a grenade launcher would destroy the fucking doors just fine? So why bother protecting her? Who decided this was a better plan? Why not just blast through, I mean time is of the essence here...and its not like you'll need ammo in a bit because this is the end of the game...so why not? Because the story wants to use this point to be convenient and make us waste more of our life on this game. So it decides that the best course of action would be to take the slowest character in the game and make you guard it...
People seem to make the claim that Bioshock is a good game that forces you to see into politics and philosophy, and while I would say its deeper than your average shooter, there are many games that have done this better and did it before Bioshock ever did, remember in 2000, remember Deus Ex? Remember how in Deus Ex the endings were all about what you thought was right for humanity, these endings were all better done than in Bioshock. In the end of Deus Ex, you're presented with a dilemma, because you have to make a decision for all of humanity but you don't know who to trust, the characters in the game are well developed and rich, and you know that they all have the potential to allow the power you'd give them to corrupt them. This works because you're attached to all the characters, you know the strengths and weakness and the pros and cons by the end of the game. By the time you figure out what's going on in Rapture you are done the game and blogging about it. And I know what you're thinking, "Neal, you just said you liked that the game took it's time", well, I did, but there needs to be a point when the clouds fall away just a little, there is never a point in time while you are playing Bioshock that it feels like you're actually in the drivers seat and making the decisions. The pacing of the game is good but it's got holes bigger than those in torn underwear and just as disturbing.
All that said, with Rapture being left pretty much as it is, a better story could have been created. The whole multiplayer "Atlas vs Ryan" storyline could have been the single player campaign, now that would have made for an epic fucking game. You would eventually have to make a decision between who you thought was right and it would have pulled you in from a moral and philosophical stand point, not to mention that you would have gotten to see Rapture and its citizens fall apart from the inside out. There could have been decent character development and more of that great voice acting. You could have kept the majority of the horror and the characters but it would have been so much better. But who the hell am I to have an opinion, its not like I have to play it or anything...right? Oh wait...
See, where most games are unappreciated because of their lack of supporting details, like voice acting and graphics and gameplay, Shadow Madness comes to mind, they save themselves by having a good story. Shadow Madness had rich characters, a compelling story and a very strong atmospheric musical score, but the graphics were shit, I mean this was after FFVII and they looked worse than that. Despite this, I recommend Shadow Madness to people, its a good fucking game, worth at least a play through, with a smart, witty script, it can make you laugh.
Bioshock is a lot like this game but completely opposite, it has all the extras, good graphics, great music, great voice acting, the atmosphere isn't bad, but the lacking component here is the story itself. When I say the game has potential, I mean it, its just unfortunate that they didn't take the time to make sure the story was compelling and made sense.
In the end, Bioshock looks good, sounds good and is a decent story, but the HYPE killed this one. People lauding it as the "revolutionary shooter" or a "breakthrough for shooters" clearly have no fucking idea about other shooters. You want a break through shooter? One word, mother fucker; "Portal!". A shooter that doesn't command that you kill everything in sight, in fact, you don't kill anything, unless you count the companion cube (poor companion cube(yes, Laura, I know you like this bit)). A shooter that makes you laugh and doesn't try to be something it isn't.
William Shakespeare once said, "brevity is the essence of wit", I understand that the irony of me bringing this quote up after typing such a long review might be lost on some of you who may have blown your fucking brains out while reading this, but basically the objective of a shooter is to not make the plot too complicated or you end up fucking doing shit for convenience purposes like the whole "genetically modified to age" bit, which made no fucking sense, was Andrew Ryan looking for a successor? But...wouldn't you die at like the same time as him considering how fast you age? Wha? I digress to prove my point, 'member Half Life? Simple plot: You are in a GIANT science lab, aliens have made their way in, they will kill you, GET OUT OF THERE! This is arguably one of the greatest games of all time...and look how fucking simple the plot is...I just explained it to you in 21 words, without any boring mumbo jumbo about someone being someone's son or whatever!
Bioshock is a decent 7.5/10, worth a play but it's not something you should run out and buy for over 40$. At the end of the day Bioshock simply suffers from trying to do too much, it doesn't know what the fuck it is, a sci-fi shooter, a survival horror, or just a dumb down...dumb action game. Without the identity crisis, it could have been so much more than it was.
"I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? 'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to the poor.' 'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.' 'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'It belongs to everyone.' I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Rapture..."
I choose never to play this game again...I'd rather watch Bambi II.
-Neal
Ok, so I have decided to give you a...well...kind of review of all of these games, the problem is that I'm not that spectacular at this shit and I don't really care about it so you're probably gonna hate it, and more over, if you don't like the games I like, you probably won't agree. Allow me to present *points to face* man not caring.
Well, I'm not going to cover them all right now, but I will do Bioshock and Bioshock 2, why both you ask? Because Bioshock 2 was honestly so god awful that I didn't play all the way through. It just wasn't worth my time to venture into Rapture one more time in an effort to grind through the city once more to perform more mundane fucking tasks that reward you with a storyline that is weak at best. Honestly, after 15 minutes, I was literally so bored that I felt like shutting the game off would save lives considering that I probably would have gone on a killing rampage from the sheer shit that was the game I was playing. Now assuming you are a massive fan of Bioshock 2, its probably a good idea that you reassess your values in a game, this game lacks story...completely...(End of Bioshock 2)
Moving on, before I start ripping on Bioshock, I'd like to point out that Bioshock,itself, is a DECENT game but its no where NEAR as good as the hype would have you believe. And for all of you people that are about to say that it had one of the most entertaining multiplayer components of all time...shut the fuck up! That doesn't matter, what matters is the game and the story...and none of that story makes any sense...
A lot of people will say that Bioshock was a great game because of the retro feel and the atmosphere along with the fact that it can scare you. Well my lovelies, I'm here to tell you that Bioshock, does all of those things well but doesn't provide a lasting satisfied feeling.
Before we get into the nitty gritty of negatives and positives, let me explain what Bioshock is all about. You are a passenger on a plane and the plane crashes, you make your way to the only visible structure and then make it inside. The door locks! Oh no! You find an elevator which takes you deep undersea and to a city called Rapture. On the way into the city viewed from the elevator Rapture looks fantastic, a 60's style city with neon and pastel lighting, this is where my expectations were raised a lot for this game. This opening shot was actually so beautiful that I needed to change my underwear after...
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| This is where the plane crash happens and your adventure begins, I would have just drown myself if I knew what was ahead. |
Unfortunately, that tone doesn't last, the moment you arrive you notice someone being ripped apart by a 'splicer', the most commonplace enemies in the game. After the victims blood splatters on the elevators door, you here the splicer trying to claw its way in. At this point, the first person survival shooter mode kicks in, and that, itself is OK with me. But, shortly after you are contacted by a man who becomes known to you as Atlas. He tells you to take a deep breath and step into Rapture. Sorry mate, but that doesn't seem like a fucking good idea, the city is a shambles and there are people killing each other left and right here...I don't think inhaling is gonna save me from being stabbed...Anyway, we step out of the elevator because we're stupid and we might as well because we're too early on in the game to know just how fucking awful this is going to get. While here we lose consciousness, probably from boredom, and hear splicers talking, we awaken and are told by Atlas, that these are the residents of Rapture whom after splicing and shit have gone all nuts and murder like...OK...
After this peachy story we learn about how to splice up and get our own plasmids. The same things that made these fuckers go insane...sounds like a wonderful idea, right? It's assumed that we won't abuse the technology like they did but...seriously? Anyway, plasmids are these things that give us the ability to shoot fire, ice, and electricity at enemies, sounds cool right? And it is...until it isn't...Now, call me hard to please but the combat in this game is beyond repetitive, but we'll come back to that. After this we find out that Atlas has a wife and kid and they are being held hostage inside a submarine and you're the only one who can save them. Ok, I'm cool with that! So far, this isn't actually that bad, right? Anyway, you make it to the submarine by making it through areas, side stepping the traps set by Andrew Ryan (the leader of Rapture and the man holding Atlas' family hostage). Despite your best effort the submarine is destroyed and Atlas' family is killed. At this juncture, everyone can see where the story is gonna go, Atlas in anger swears to kill Ryan, and by swearing to kill him, he means that he'll use us to do it. So, you make your way through more nondescript locations blasting either with plasmids or a shotgun, whichever. Eventually, in this city FILLED with psychos, you find Ryan...playing golf...in what seems like the only safe place left in the city. But after the confrontation, I looked around and I wondered how he ate, or slept, there was no kitchen, no bed...where's the shitter? Like, I'm assuming he spent a lot of time here or he'd be fucking dead, so how did he survive? Anyway, Ryan reveals that you were actually born in Rapture and were genetically altered to age quickly and are, in fact, Ryan's illegitimate son(still with me?) and that you were programed to respond as a slave to the phrase "would you kindly", at this point, a montage of Atlas asking you to do things with the phrase "would you kindly" ensues, revealing that you were in fact a slave this whole time. Now you kill Ryan, because...you were commanded to...then Atlas reveals himself to be Frank Fontaine...whoever the fuck that is...at this point the whole "slave" and "Fontaine" thing is meant to be a shock but I was left blankly staring at the fucking screen, maybe I just missed the point, or maybe I noticed a massive plot hole. Whichever...
Anyway, Fontaine says he's gonna kill us and we are saved by the Little Sisters (earlier on in the game you must extract a substance called Adam from these little girls to buy more plasmids, you can save them and get less Adam or kill them and get more, your choice) Anyway, Tannenbaum saves you and lets you know that she stopped the phrase Fontaine was using from controlling you. Unfortunately, Fontaine uses more phrases that lower your health, you need to find a cure and all that good stuff...and...so you do. After finding a cure you have to get to Fontaine and kill him because he is planning to inject himself full of Adam and become a superbeing to rule Rapture for some reason that is never explained. At this point in the game it has shifted gears from telling a story to trying to fit all the fucking scares it missed out on into the last bit of the game and totally destroying the continuity of the story all in one shot. It's almost like two different people wrote the script and they just decided to put them together without editing, just sat down and said "let's go with it". Anyway, you disguise yourself as a Big Daddy (massive little sister protectors), and you must protect a Little Sister so she can open doors for you because she can access them and you cannot (there are spaces for them to get in, tiny ones). After coming to the end you come to a confrontation with Fontaine, you kill him with the help of the Little Sisters, and you get one of two endings depending on your decision to kill the Little Sisters or leave them alive.
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| This is a Big Daddy They are threatening Too bad they only attack you when you attack them. |
That's the whole fucking story....
Ok, the positives...The atmosphere isn't absent, the game does a good job at being creepy.
The game uses great in game music and voice acting which saves it from me just wanting destroy it (it was close though).
The game's story isn't uninteresting but its not the best it could be either.
The game has a TON of potential.
The graphics aren't bad.
Game takes its time and lets the story tell itself.
Unfortunately, this is about all the good things I have to say.
1.The game's story/plot doesn't make sense, the whole idea that you were this slave totally ruins the plot and any sense it made. The whole Atlas trying to save his family thing goes right out the window. If you're a slave, then you'd obey the phrase "would you kindly" regardless, so why bother staging the whole fucking wife and kids thing? Putting you and Fontaine at risk, after all, if you died Altas/Fontaine's plan is pretty well fucked right? So, for putting you and him in mortal danger, even though he has control of you...it makes no sense, it's needless. And why the need for the disguise? If we're going to mindlessly obey, why would he have to disguise himself? Why not just come right out and demand that we kill Andrew Ryan? Would have saved a lot of time. See what I mean? This sounds like an eight year old wrote it...Finally we have the whole thing where Altas reveals that he's Frank Fontaine...and before this point no one knows who the fuck that is! So...a tense scene is...not...tense...at all...
2. Ammo and plasmid purchasing doesn't make any fucking sense! Seriously, you buy your guns and ammo, AND your genetic upgrades from fucking vending machines! Rapture was depicted to be this ideal city, and while I get the need for security and weapons...do you really need vending machines of them? If people were really free then why would you need to sell them on the fucking sidewalk? Also, the plasmid classes don't make no sense! Incinerate, the ability to burn people, Frost, ability to freeze people, Shock, ability to shock people to death! Do these sound like things you should be selling on the sidewalk? Do these sound like genetic upgrades you should have to live in society? Some seem to make sense and would be useful in the real world, like telekinetics, I can see a use for that but...seriously? Incinerate? Here's an idea, why not have a science lab on every sector, Rapture seems to be involved in that kind of stuff, and you just break in and steal it? And for the weapons, how about a police station of every level? You could rearm there! And it would make fucking sense!
 | ||
| To think you see this... |
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| And end up with this! |
4. The levels all the look the fucking same, regardless of where you are everything looks like some basement out of a Dracula flick, at this point you might think it forgivable, but it really isn't, if I wanted to play through the same shit 30 times, I'd just start up Tetris for fucksakes. This is especially disappointing considering the opening graphics (see left).
5. Combat, Weapons and no SEEEENSE
The problem with Bioshock is that it it's combat is repetitive, you either burn them, shock them, or freeze them, or you use a shotgun...woo! You can also get Grenade Launchers too... but nothing has a particular weakness to anything else, and all the enemies seem the same, you just blast everything with whatever you have, you can use shock in the water to kill multiple enemies, fire in the ice areas to melt it etc. But this isn't clever just, intuitive...Finally, in the bit where you are guarding the Little Sister, why are you doing this? Don't you think a grenade launcher would destroy the fucking doors just fine? So why bother protecting her? Who decided this was a better plan? Why not just blast through, I mean time is of the essence here...and its not like you'll need ammo in a bit because this is the end of the game...so why not? Because the story wants to use this point to be convenient and make us waste more of our life on this game. So it decides that the best course of action would be to take the slowest character in the game and make you guard it...
People seem to make the claim that Bioshock is a good game that forces you to see into politics and philosophy, and while I would say its deeper than your average shooter, there are many games that have done this better and did it before Bioshock ever did, remember in 2000, remember Deus Ex? Remember how in Deus Ex the endings were all about what you thought was right for humanity, these endings were all better done than in Bioshock. In the end of Deus Ex, you're presented with a dilemma, because you have to make a decision for all of humanity but you don't know who to trust, the characters in the game are well developed and rich, and you know that they all have the potential to allow the power you'd give them to corrupt them. This works because you're attached to all the characters, you know the strengths and weakness and the pros and cons by the end of the game. By the time you figure out what's going on in Rapture you are done the game and blogging about it. And I know what you're thinking, "Neal, you just said you liked that the game took it's time", well, I did, but there needs to be a point when the clouds fall away just a little, there is never a point in time while you are playing Bioshock that it feels like you're actually in the drivers seat and making the decisions. The pacing of the game is good but it's got holes bigger than those in torn underwear and just as disturbing.
All that said, with Rapture being left pretty much as it is, a better story could have been created. The whole multiplayer "Atlas vs Ryan" storyline could have been the single player campaign, now that would have made for an epic fucking game. You would eventually have to make a decision between who you thought was right and it would have pulled you in from a moral and philosophical stand point, not to mention that you would have gotten to see Rapture and its citizens fall apart from the inside out. There could have been decent character development and more of that great voice acting. You could have kept the majority of the horror and the characters but it would have been so much better. But who the hell am I to have an opinion, its not like I have to play it or anything...right? Oh wait...
See, where most games are unappreciated because of their lack of supporting details, like voice acting and graphics and gameplay, Shadow Madness comes to mind, they save themselves by having a good story. Shadow Madness had rich characters, a compelling story and a very strong atmospheric musical score, but the graphics were shit, I mean this was after FFVII and they looked worse than that. Despite this, I recommend Shadow Madness to people, its a good fucking game, worth at least a play through, with a smart, witty script, it can make you laugh.
Bioshock is a lot like this game but completely opposite, it has all the extras, good graphics, great music, great voice acting, the atmosphere isn't bad, but the lacking component here is the story itself. When I say the game has potential, I mean it, its just unfortunate that they didn't take the time to make sure the story was compelling and made sense.
In the end, Bioshock looks good, sounds good and is a decent story, but the HYPE killed this one. People lauding it as the "revolutionary shooter" or a "breakthrough for shooters" clearly have no fucking idea about other shooters. You want a break through shooter? One word, mother fucker; "Portal!". A shooter that doesn't command that you kill everything in sight, in fact, you don't kill anything, unless you count the companion cube (poor companion cube(yes, Laura, I know you like this bit)). A shooter that makes you laugh and doesn't try to be something it isn't.
William Shakespeare once said, "brevity is the essence of wit", I understand that the irony of me bringing this quote up after typing such a long review might be lost on some of you who may have blown your fucking brains out while reading this, but basically the objective of a shooter is to not make the plot too complicated or you end up fucking doing shit for convenience purposes like the whole "genetically modified to age" bit, which made no fucking sense, was Andrew Ryan looking for a successor? But...wouldn't you die at like the same time as him considering how fast you age? Wha? I digress to prove my point, 'member Half Life? Simple plot: You are in a GIANT science lab, aliens have made their way in, they will kill you, GET OUT OF THERE! This is arguably one of the greatest games of all time...and look how fucking simple the plot is...I just explained it to you in 21 words, without any boring mumbo jumbo about someone being someone's son or whatever!
Bioshock is a decent 7.5/10, worth a play but it's not something you should run out and buy for over 40$. At the end of the day Bioshock simply suffers from trying to do too much, it doesn't know what the fuck it is, a sci-fi shooter, a survival horror, or just a dumb down...dumb action game. Without the identity crisis, it could have been so much more than it was.
"I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? 'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to the poor.' 'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.' 'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'It belongs to everyone.' I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Rapture..."
I choose never to play this game again...I'd rather watch Bambi II.
-Neal
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